Reflecting over the past few days, "little things" had been making me extremely angry. Being that I am usually of a calm temperament, this emotion has brought me to scratch my head in wonderment.
It was as if 'something' was simmering on the stove of my heart. These "little" events or aggravations turned up the heat and caused what was already cooking to boil over, making a mess of my emotions. As I restrained myself from analyzing (my comfort blanket) but did some soul searching, I was able to find the ingredients simmering beneath the surface.
What I found was a potentially toxic remedy I had allowed to be concocted. If you have ever seen baking soda and vinegar mixed together, the reaction of my ingredients was much like that. I had allowed the bitter and the sour to be stirred together.
What happened? You may ask. One particular 'incident' was when my eldest child hid another child's new toy. I let THAT act make me so angry. It took much of the afternoon to get cooled off. My heart said, why is this such a big deal. My mind said, how dare he!
With painful humility, I began to see crystal clear the recipe that was boiling over. I had allowed myself to have unrealistic, perfectionist expectations of how my children would behave while I was out of town with them. I also let myself hold the hammer of condemnation, believing every infraction from my child was a a reflection of my failure as a parent. When frustration and anger were mixed with perfectionism and expectations, a yuck of emotions boiled over. Although quiet in reaction, my anger was seen in my eyes and my child was crushed at my disappointment. Although putting this in writing is embarrassing, it also helps me to see the picture of what NOT to allow to cook on the stove of my heart again. Maybe others can learn and be encouraged by my experience. Being a mom is tough! Those around us, society, and we provide a list of demands, creating further pressure.
What did God ask us to do with our little (or not so little) ones? He asked us to love them and let them sit on His lap and love Him. To train and instruct, without crushing. God has given each of us grace. The Word says that condemnation is not of God. He is a God of grace. It is time we extend that same grace to ourselves (in our parenting, friendships, actions - or lack of), and to pour out that same grace on our children. For me, I will pour my simmering pot of sour ingredients down the drain. I will seek to measure behaviors according to their appropriate height (no longer making so very much a mountain of offense). And daily, I will seek to walk in grace not perfectionism.
Maybe it was too much sugar over the holidays. I could blame my pattern and reaction on lots of things. Regardless, it is time to make a change.
"So God can point to us in all future ages as examples of the incredible wealth of his grace and kindness toward us, as shown in all he has done for us who are united with Christ Jesus. God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God." (Eph. 2:7-8 NLT)
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